Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
