I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
