Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
