im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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