I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Randomize
