I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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