My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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