i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
