Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
