Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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