ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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