Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize
