i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Randomize
