I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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