heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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