I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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