I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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