I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
