You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Randomize
