i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
