so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
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