I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
