i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Randomize
