new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
