I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
