i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
