I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Randomize
