This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize
