But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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