Who did Billy Mays play for?
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
