Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Randomize
