It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
