Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
