hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
