So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
