Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
