literally had 100 drinks last night.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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