party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
