You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
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