Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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