i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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