On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
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