Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Randomize
