he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Randomize
