ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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