I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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