No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
