did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
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