In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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