his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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