Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
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